"Judge Not": Guidance for Compassionate Communication

Fundamentals of Nonviolent Communication

"Judge Not" as Communication Advice

What if we applied the guidance of "judge not, lest ye be judged," to interpersonal communication?

We typically hear this phrase cautioning against casting judgment on someone, but the phrase has an air of superstition to it because of its source in scripture. We think of it as "be nice or god will smite you," but I think there's a direct and immediate application in interpersonal relationships.

When we judge, we lose

Being in judgment of another person has immediate consequences on the relationship. Judgment, in fact, is a major block to our getting our needs met and building resilient relationships.

In an interaction between two people, if either person thinks in judgment of the other, both people are less likely to get their needs met in that interaction. As soon as one person feels judged, they will armor up, get defensive, start rehearsing justifications, and explaining themselves. A whiff of judgment in a conversation can cause someone to start building the case for their innocence in their mind, and when we do that, we're not listening to the other person. We are, instead, in disconnection with that person, and neither of us is interested in helping the other.

So at this point, once we've sensed that someone is judging us, we've stopped listening. More than that, we're no longer able to hear what the other is saying or attune to their needs, no matter how articulately they might express them. We're too busy cataloging the other person's faults and organizing their reasons for being right.

When it's the judged's turn to speak, they're likely to engage in self-defense, making the other person feel unheard, or launch counter-accusations, making the other person feel defensive in return.

From here, it's a long way to getting everyone's needs met in this conversation: no one feels heard or understood, no one feels connected to the other, and the relationship now needs to recover.

Our judgmental mindset

I am not suggesting we refrain from judgment – we need to judge. Our survival hinges on our ability to think and discern. Our capacity for discernment also facilitates our physical, social, and emotional growth.

We must learn to judge well. This discussion of judgment should not suggest that we give up our capacity to discern because it's important that we are discerning, especially about other people. Wsenses judgment from the othere also need to know ourselves well enough to make the healthiest decisions around who to interact with.

We live in a culture whose language facilitates judgmental thinking. The English language is well-equipped to maintain the perceived importance of exclusive property and social hierarchy. As such, we learn a language and culture of "that's mine," "you're wrong," "you deserve…," "that's bad" – linguistic lessons in property and hierarchy.

Now, making judgments is important, and developing our skills of discernment is part of growth. When we judge people, mind you, things get messy. When we judge someone, we feel fools ourselves into believing they deserve certain treatment, that somehow they've earned whatever situation they're complaining about, but it doesn't ultimately produce secure, resilient relationships.

Judgments become labels that people wear in our minds. If we believe these labels for too long, we begin to think about and treat people like easily-classified stereotypes, rather than moody, complex, and frequently contradictory beings. The more we can avoid living in judgment of others, the happier we will be.

And the happier others around us will be.

When judging is useful

Different contexts and situations call for different responses, judgment requires context. Our conditioning would have us believe that judging is the best tool for every job. After all, we make judgments throughout our day to great success, but when in conversation with others, judgment will make our lives so much harder than necessary.

Some phrases that signal judgment, whether we intend it or not: "you always…" "you never…" "you hurt me" "Great job!" "I always procrastinate" "I should…" "He's such a good writer" "That's an awesome drawing"

The positive judgments may seem innocuous, since they won't cause the receiver to become defensive, but they do put the receiver on a tightrope rather than on solid ground. In other words, it reinforces the judgment paradigm where there are good people and bad people, right actions and wrong actions. Living in this paradigm means always being on guard against judgment. Living on a tightrope means always trying not to fall.

It's important to realize that the negative qualities of judgment apply to self-talk. Telling yourself you should have done something is as unlikely to produce behavior change as telling someone else they should have done something.

More empathy in communication

In this context, "judge not" is wisdom for interpersonal relationships. Do not sit in judgment of others, or others will sit in judgment of you, and both of you will struggle to get your needs met.

The goal is not to bring judgment into our social interactions, in any of its forms. It doesn't need to be expressed out loud and in words – when we think judging thoughts, the energy we bring to an interaction is less authentic, present, loving, and receptive than if we weren't having those thoughts.

More than that, our partner will likely sense our judgment and become guarded in their sharing or ability to listen.

On the societal level, our judgments also perpetuate a broken norm for communicating about our needs. In subjecting another person to our judgments of them, we normalize judging and being judged, making that person more likely to bring judgment into other relationships.

A language and culture obsessed with being "right" are not a language and culture serving their full potential to enrich life. Our closest relationships are ones wherein we judge not, and in return fear no judgment. We need to use language in a way that focuses on the relationships that make life worth living.

Judgment blocks compassion. It blocks our giving to the other person, feeling it from us blocks that person from giving it to us.

Empathy is the antidote for judgment and its associated ailments. We need more empathy, more careful listening, and more compassionate, nonjudgmental presence with people.

Resources

• The Center for Nonviolent Communication (site)
• Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2015)
• Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values (audiobook 2015)
• YouTube "NVC Marshall Rosenberg - San Francisco Workshop" (uploaded 2015)