Requests and Demands

Fundamentals of Nonviolent Communication

Humans don't like demands. We have a basic need for autonomy, and we see demands as threats to our autonomy. Hence, history is full of people fighting for the freedom to self-govern and self-determine.

We resist demands on the personal level too. If we hear something someone says as a demand, it will greatly increase our urge to resist. So if someone makes a request like, "Could you finish this project for me," and we interpret it as a demand, our response is more likely to be some form of resistance, like "I can't, I'm busy," or more mildly, "Eh, I could, I'm not sure if I'm the best person for it, I don't understand the objectives," etc.

If we interpret something as a request, we're more likely to respond positively.

Marshall Rosenberg, who developed the methods behind nonviolent communication, explains the difference between a request and a demand: a request carries with it no threat of punishment from the requester in the event that the request is denied; a demand, however, threatens punishment in the event of a refusal.

If the requester responds to a "no" by saying something like, "You always do this, I can never count on you," that's emotional punishment, and it reveals that the request was actually a demand. If the requester responds, "Okay, maybe so-and-so and help me with it," that's a request.

Rosenberg cautions that over time, demands can poison a relationship, especially a close one. Issuing a demand – or even a request that is perceived as a demand – leaves our partner with only two options: submit or rebel. Either way, the relationship suffers because the one person sees the requester/demander as a threat to their autonomy and is likely to harbor resentment as a result.

Whenever a demand is perceived, the health of the relationship is in danger.

For this reason, Rosenberg advises we never do anything out of obligation or out of fear of punishment. Doing so damages the relationship, and it robs us of the joy inherent in helping others enjoy life.

We Love Enriching Life

When we act out of obligation, we lose sight of the deeper purpose behind an action. One of the most precious experiences in life is making life better for ourselves and others. Humans love contributing to life! We are creative beings who want to thrive and want others to thrive, and we get immense joy from helping others live well.

If we act out of obligation, however, we lose connection with how our actions contribute to life and make life better for ourselves and others. Our energy and attention is instead co-opted by our emotional response to the demand. The "why?" behind our action becomes reduced to "Because they asked me," and we lose sight of how our actions contribute to making life wonderful.

We love to help others! We hate feeling forced to help others.

It's fun to respond to requests. We tend to see requests as opportunities to make life better for someone. It's toxic to respond to demands.

In this comparison, consider how you might feel receiving this same request worded in two different ways:

1. "I'm so tired when I get home, I could really use a break from making dinner every night. Would you mind making dinner a few nights a week?"
2. "I need you to start making some of the meals, I'm tired of being the only one to make dinner."

Here's our responsibility in this: we want to make it enjoyable for people to meet our needs. When we make a request of someone, we want to do so in a way that facilitates their joy in helping someone enjoy life.

To do this, we want to avoid asking in a way that triggers that person's threat response.

Perceiving Threat Prevents Connection

When we perceive a threat, we become defensive, we begin us-vs-them thinking. It's incredibly hard for someone to hear our needs and respond positively to a request when they're experiencing threat.

Set aside obvious examples of threats to safety, and let's discuss subtler but more common interpersonal threats: demands, judgments, and criticism. Perceiving a demand, judgment, or criticism in any interaction with someone will likely trigger a defensive response. In order to strengthen the quality of connection between two people, we want to avoid triggering such a response.

Consider this application: someone is making your life difficult, and you need to get relief in the form of a new behavior or a new pattern of interaction. Going to the person and asking them to change their behavior has a lower chance of going smoothly and a higher chance of damaging the relationship, if your request includes any language like the following:

• "I need you to…" –> this is likely to be perceived as a demand
• "It makes me mad when you…" –> this implies judgment
• "You can't just keep doing…" –> also a judgment, maybe even criticism
• "It would be better if you…" –> this will probably be heard as a criticism
• "This behavior has to stop." –> demand, judgment, and criticism all at once

Language like this can harm the quality of connection with the other person by triggering a defense response, which prevents that person from hearing the needs beneath the request, which makes it harder for the person to enjoy contributing to our well-being.

Instead, let's help our partner focus on our needs and not get distracted by blame or criticism. Let's employ language like this:

"I feel frustrated because I have a need for fairness that's not being met. It's important to me that we balance our shared tasks so that we don't foster resentment between us. I'd love it if you could make dinner a few times a week so that I can get more time to focus on some of my other needs."

This language tries to keep the focus on the speaker's needs, and avoids getting caught up in blame.

The goal of this method is not to get what we want – the goal is to create a strong connection between people such that giving to one another is easy and gratifying

Resources

• The Center for Nonviolent Communication (site)
• Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2015)
• Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values (audiobook 2015)
• YouTube "NVC Marshall Rosenberg - San Francisco Workshop" (uploaded 2015)